I was meeting with a student yesterday afternoon. I am so grateful for students. They are open, honest, and while not always articulate, they care a great deal about the things they are involved in and invest in. As I was meeting with this student, I got a phone call from a friend about a friend. What happened next begins a surreal day.

I ignored the phone call and texted him that I would call him back because I was with a student. He sent me a message back to check a communication thread. This thread was blowing up and it was because our friend, Allison Williams, who was so beloved by so many of us and provided a very necessary voice in our work had suddenly and unexpectedly passed away. I was with Allison and a few others only a few days back for a planning retreat for an event coming this Summer, which only added to the shock of the news.

I couldn’t believe what my eyes were telling my brain. I stared at my phone. I outwardly exclaimed, “What? Are you kidding me?” My student was a little stirred, too. I literally couldn’t believe what I was reading. I said to him, “I literally just lost a friend.” I didn’t know what to say to him. We had big things to talk about, but in this moment some things just seemed a little bit less important.

To be honest, I still don’t know what words to use. I literally cannot come up with a set of words that I would say accurately describe how I feel. I cannot even begin to imagine what her family is experiencing and thinking. The sudden loss of death is so jolting and so altering and it is never something that you are completely prepared for.

I was literally joking with Allison on Friday and by Monday afternoon, the Lord took her home to be with him. As I write this I’m still not sure what to say. But there is this urge to say something that matters; something that will encapsulate it all. When death comes, there comes with it a deep-seated desire to have words that somehow make sense of the whole thing.

I’ve been texting friends and the group of youth workers from around the country. By God’s good grace, He has connected us to each other to pray for each other, encourage one another, and challenge each one to be more like Jesus. She was a central part of that and there is just a pretty significant hole there now and we can’t even explain how the hole is empty or how we are going to somehow fill it.

I think this has brought my own pastoring of people to mind. How many times have I tried, as a pastor, to have the words that will console them, care for them, explain to them, why this sudden and tragic event is somehow in the grand providence of God. I’ve tried to be cautious and pastoral about the ways that I express my sympathy and work to try to empathize with the situation. I wanted words, but words just were not going to be enough.

Even this blog post is probably me trying to exercise some sort of explanation; a flooding of words just hoping that the right combination might come and might somehow bring solace to the whole situation. But even as I write, the single greatest thing I can recognize is that there aren’t going to be enough words to explain the situation. No combination of words will take away the surreal feeling that is experienced right now.

My friend, Allison was an encourager of so many. A truth-teller and a defender of people; she loved so well. Even if you only met her for a short amount of time, you knew that you mattered because she found a way to recognize the gold inside of you; theo gold Jesus made to be a part of you. Allison made the people around her better. I only knew her for a few years, but every time that I got to spend some time with her, she left a nugget of truth; a bit of sand that just made me think and live better and more like Jesus.

Allison was a veteran youth worker and served students with a zeal that is not seen in every youth worker. Anyone who came into contact with her HAD to know that she was a huge advocate for students and kids as well as for the Church. She loved Jesus and she loved Jesus’ Church. Any amount of time with her would reveal her desire for the Bride of Christ to be more like Christ to the world and she saw so many people as parts of Jesus’ answer to that vision.

I’m going to miss my friend, Allison. She made me better. She is still making me better. She connected me to other people who make me better. Even in the relative short time I knew her, I aspired to so many things that she embodied. She will be missed, but I’m confident that she is with Jesus now and in that, I find peace. Because when Jesus is the only one who will bring peace, words just are not enough.